Rani Mukherjee is a Planet

May 1st, 2009
Special Correspondent
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In a bewildering incident, which will have long-term aftermaths of quantum never seen before, Rani Mukherjee abandoned Earth yesterday night and escaped somewhere in to the space. NASA issued a tentative report based upon preliminary data collected from wide
(Rani's elliptical orbit in red)
range of sources like CCTV footage, Galileo observatory in space and International Space Station. “She seems to have left Earth at wee hours. After reaching ‘Geostationary Orbit’ see might have changed her mind (her direction of motion changed) and moved quickly towards moon. After spending some time there she gathered some real momentum (angular) and traveled across half distance of our Solar System and finally seems to have settled in an elliptical orbit besides Saturn” said a senior NASA official, addressing the media.

This morning International Astronomical Union (IAU) arranged an emergency meeting to discuss this crisis. IAU has subsequently granted Planethood status to Rani Mukherjee. “It was a hard decision to make. We had to assess her shape, size, mass, gravitational force she’s exerting, velocity of rotation and many technicalities before we decided that she’s a planet. Now Solar System looks much more balanced after her inclusion. She has “beautifully” filled the void created by Pluto” commented Durga Naresh –head of IAU.

Obama administration has called for an international –all nations- summit, considering the gravity of situation. They will look in to prospects of Rani helping world overcome current economic slowdown. People were upbeat at White House.

Unconfirmed reports from her PR manager –who still is on Earth- reveal that she may soon start plotting the planet after a close inspection, followed by real estate development. “She may be issuing tenders across all major national newspapers soon” was all we could get from the manager. DLF’s chairman Kushal Pal Singh (also on Forbes rich list) said that he is looking forward to build some awe-inspiring architectural marvels on this new planet. Insiders say Reliance Ambani has formed a team of 5 to be sent to this planet for hydrocarbon exploration. “May be she will be nice to us” was Ambani’s word.

“Madam’s behaviour was quite erratic. She ate a lot last evening.” Shared her maid and continued “she was majorly disappointed with political parties, no one called her in their campaigns and rallies. Let down by producers and fellow fraternity she might have taken this extreme decision.” Scientists at ISRO too are closely tracking the developments. It’s a great opportunity for Indian scientists to build a spacecraft and study Rani Mukherjee. Her fans (existing ones) plan to create a temple on her name and offer prayers.

As a consequence, Earth’s mass and gravitational force has dropped exponentially. People are having great time jumping here and there. Shri Laloo Yadav blamed Congress for whatever has happened. Later Congress gave an equally strong reply. Left parties spokesman said “both parties (cong. N Laloo) are equally responsible. Suresh Kalmadi (president Indian Olympic Association since my childhood and till his death) and Prakash Javedekar (BJP spokes person) were unavailable for comments.

Meanwhile sales of telescopes and binoculars have skyrocketed. “I’m having time of my life since Ms.Rani has left Earth. I’ll miss her acting and all but you see… she was kind of burden on our planet, she consumed huge quantities of resources and the sales have soared…” said Naveen Raju, a local optics shop owner. People usually gather on the terrace at night to get a glance of this phenomenon. However, they consistently need to pan (horizontally) their telescopes as Ms.Rani is orbiting at 50,000 miles an hour. Public is eagerly waiting for July 30th when four planets (incl. Rani) will come in a straight line 40 minutes past dusk. This visual spectacle ought not to be missed.

Finally LK Advani was quick to capitalize on this issue. He informed that, not only money stashed in Swiss banks but BJP will also bring back IPL and Rani Mukherjee. Sachin, as reported, smirked a lot after this news broke out.

Korean children(left) line up just to get a glance or RM. Another father guides his 4 and half year old kid as he catches some serious glance of RM (right pic). What really has bewildered people is this new planet's exceptional shape, which in itself is an exception to spherical shape of heavenly bodies.



PS: Need a partner to write. Have lot of ideas but its been difficult to write due to varied reasons.

Stunning people

The other day I was reading a book when a realization came by on my inability to understand people and world around. I began to think and make a mental list (list in mind) of things that I don’t comprehend and it kind of became quite lengthy and endless as I fell asleep. Subsequently an idea to write on these things blossomed and here it is.

#1 The World Record People

By “The World Record People” I’m referring to that clan of people who are extensively involved in making and breaking records. The weirder the record the better it is. These people get featured in well-known bestseller books like “Limca Book of Records” and the mighty “Guinness Book of World Records”. These are the people who single handedly drive revenues for the above mentioned books.

I have nothing against these record holders, but a lot of them are quite weird. I’m sure you must have seen some random guy tearing those thick telephone directories, bending stainless steel stuff, eating electric bulbs/tube lights and what not? So how does all this happen? I think, one fine day these people, unable to do anything constructive, make a list of occupations. “Hmmm… So? I can’t become an engineer. Nor a Doctor, teacher no, dancer absolutely not, business oh no! Holy Shit! I’m good for nothing. Let me start tearing telephone directories, maybe I’ll become something someday by doing this.” So, finally the guy is ready to do something.

Till now it was okay. When these people grow up and look for marriage, what happens? They meet the opposite party. And it goes like… “So, what is your son into?” asks would-be bride’s father. “Ah! Shyam. Nothing great to boast of. He tares telephone directories. After marriage, he shall tear your daughter off, too.” And the girl’s father would say “There you go. All my life, I wanted a son-in-law like you.” Game over.

#2 The Snake People

If tearing, bending and melting was okay, then what about snakes. The guy who lets a snake through his nose and makes it come out of his mouth. For him to do this, he got to have some real nose, ordinary won’t work. Just think for a moment what his son would go through each day at school. Imagine a new academic year starts and the class gets a new class-teacher. She asks for introductions, parents profession included. What will this small child say? “Eh! Ma’am... my father is like snakes… you know… nose mouth… eew.” Gone, everything. All the reputation he laboriously built in his group, all gone in a moment. And at this time all 40 jaws in class are dropped. Eyebrows raised, all ears, eyes wide open. “I don’t believe his father does that.”

The mental torture would begin after school hours. Someone actually goes and informs students from other division/section. “Hey, hi. You know, Shyam’s father… he eats snakes.” Now these kids would actually comedown to Shyam and confirm if his father eats snakes. At such an instance one may even feel a Pulsar-180cc mechanic is a better father to have.

There are other jobs too, but my content ain't ready

(miss)-Match the Following

Bad mood and a bit of nonsense.

If you get it, laugh. Else maintain pin-drop silence :p

*Any resemblance to events and persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. I'm not responsible for outcomes of above content. :p

John Buchanan's Invention and Kolkata Knight Riders

In a report on innovation trends across nations, which was published few days back, had ranked India pretty low. This report sparked off a minor debate among intelligentsia. However, politics and cricket soon took center stage and innovation index was forgotten, like it should be. Come-on we (Indians) don't give a damn about innovation or scientific research. “This is what happens when you are not willing to spend even a half percent of country’s GDP on R&D” I said to my friend, to which he did not react at all like he heard the terms GDP and R&D for the first time. See we really don’t give a damn.

This was story few days back. Now things have changed for better. Political plays and cricketing chaos has paid off really well by inspiring millions of us to innovate. Tata NANO was launched, 3rd Front was launched, IPL will be launched in South Africa, and Varun Gandhi launched his stupid comments. “Highly creative cum inspirational environment perfectly suitable to blossom cum nurture innovation” was Durga Naresh’s comment who used pauses between each word for max impact. Taking an inspiration from this so-called creative cum inspirational environment John Buchanan –current coach of Kolkata Knight Riders - too thought to invent something. “I felt... I felt... I felt.., I was left behind by my counter parts in other professions. And to overcome this I thought of something really cool” narrated Aussie Buchanan. By the way if you are still wondering what that “really cool” thing is, let me inform you John invented “The 4 Captain Theory” ™ ©. A trademark owned by John. Trespassers will be prosecuted.

[Photo]

Buchanan made this announcement (about 4 captains) in an official press conference jointly addressed by John Buchanan and Sourav Ganguly, thereby cutting a major crap out of media personnel and later of television viewing personnel. I mean public. Sourav Ganguly seemed extremely distracted while Buchanan spoke and randomly began chasing a housefly. Also, he disappeared in a moment only to reappear in a moment. Ganguly was distracted and disinterested to such an extent that, he was lifting his hand for no reason, his fingers made weird actions like he was scratching some serious skin of an itch victim person.

As usual political spectrum was first in the list to take a clue from this path breaking (literally) invention and have improvised it in their respective field of polity. Now PM’s post ain’t a bone of contention for Advani, Pawar, Mayawati and the very low profile humble Manmohan Singh as they all will (not can) be next prime ministers of this great nation. This has even solved the leadership issued of police in several states. Now senior police officials need not lobby hard to become commissioner, 4 of them can simultaneously share the post.

In a post-conference conference Buchanan made a PowerPoint presentation about how he came across this stunning idea. He said “I consistently look for something extra. Last night I was reading this book of Stephen Hawking called something… what is it called..?? Yeah! A Brief History of Time, where he mentioned about the 4 dimensions (X, Y, Z and Time) that we live in. This thing surprised me a lot...” Buchanan did put up an amazed kind of look on his face and patted and Nuzzled Ganguly at regular periodic intervals. He continued “… and this was when, when I thought and said to myself... “Hey, this it the time, right time to invent something” and here I am in front of you all making a PowerPoint presentation.” As he halted the proceedings finally there were many pauses and applause's. Boria Majumdar was angry. Breaking this news on Times Now, Boria said “This is ridiculous. And rest must pay in cash.” Some random anchor consoled and apologized TV audience for Boria’s increasing erratic behaviour. Sourav has been unreachable for his comments.

Rumor has it that Buchanan has developed some sort of artificial intelligence with the help of an abundantly available local CSE engineering student. This enables him to foresee future during wee hours of Saturday. Student name not disclosed for personal reasons. – Sources (as always)

IPL - A solution to Global Economic Recession

If you think, due to recession and Barrack Obamas' policies "Outsourcing" will/has taken a beating, no one else on planet earth can be more wrong, idiotic, stupid and all its synonyms than you. However, let me make it clear that the trend has just begun. All attributed to one great man -perhaps a Nobel Peace Prize nominee- called Lalit Modi. But, we ought to take other factors also in to account as without them it would not have been possible. The obvious list has hi-fi names like Boria Majumdar, P.Chitambaram, N.Gopalaswami, State govt. and couple of police commissioners. The lateral entrants were Narendra Modi and Arun Jaitely.

Okay.. so Lalit Modi is on the verge of fixing global economic downturn beating the hell outta economists and policy makers. Indian Premier League (IPL) has been shifted to South Africa. This will help SA to overcome economic losses. "Lots of moolah commin in. N m lovin it" said a rather sluggish looking investment banker who was laid off last year.

So atlast its Indians who are helping world recover historic losses. How?? Outsourcing. Taking an inspiration form IPL and Lalit Modi many firms/organizations/NGO's/PSU's/edu. instis have shifted their meets/conferences venues around the globe. This has -obviously- given a new lease of life to sick and pessimistic economic condition of most countries.

A National Thermal Power Corporation (NTPC) press release said they have shifted their annual general meeting's venue from New Delhi, India to Mongolia. This was later confirmed by NTPC chairman, Mr. Venkatachary. The excuse he gave was "State government is not willing to provide us security, we had talks with Home Ministry as well. But, they too were helpless due to upcoming elections." He ended the press meet with a sarcastic smirk.

Commonwealth Games scheduled to take place next year too have been outsourced to nearby Myanmar (erstwhile Burma).

A Indian Institute of Management (IIM's) representative told us that IIM's will have their "Convocation ceremony" held at Thailand. "Our students will have chance to see white elephants too. He he he..." said someone. Security was the excuse again.

In a unrelated incident, a Public Interest Litigation (PIL) was filed in supreme court by a well known social group that offers help to the abandoned, pleading the court to shift "Kasav/Kasab's" (lone survivor of 26/11) trail to any more safe place and had listed few like... Uganda, Kenya, Czech Republic, Palestine, Pakistan or Iraq as these countries are willing to provide decent level of security.

Events gone out of India

Click to enlarge

Now local journalists have bad time redoing their itinerary. But they are happy as many of them stand a chance to get an all expense paid trip to foreign lands. On behalf of Journalist Union (JU) Boria Mazumdar said "The government could have provided security. But BCCI has no what-so-ever business in criticizing govt." on Times Now. He was furious and warned Chitambaram that he will face his wrath in future.

Whose POV really matters

Meanwhile, Alan Greenspan -a popular economist- is happy that whole world is reciprocating what India has done. Most firms/govt. dept.s are randomly changing their meeting venues. A company from the Gulf all of sudden had its Quarterly performance press conference at Varanasi. In a other unrelated incident Mexican telecoms minister arrived at Hubli in Karnataka, where he supposedly had a "cutting chai" and biscuits before meet with Mexican planning commission members. And not-so strangely Satyam's Ramalinga Raju made a public appearance at 10 Downing Street - official residence of PM of England- and sent his resignation through media.

Things coming to India

Click to enlarge

"What the hell.. I'm going nuts.. I'm going crazy.. how the hell can Lalit Modi find solution to economic meltdown" yelled a ecstatic Alan Greenspan, who devoted his whole life towards economics. "Now everyone is going everywhere. Carrying liquidity with them. Haven't seen such a helm.. Yaay its over.. its over" continued Greenspan before anyone could console him. These happenings have -obviously- left RBI and FED reserves people stunned and speechless.

Greenspan before IPL moved to SA

Pillars of Indian Polity

Click pic n watch video

The Great Gandhi auction and Youth

Recently certain items belonging to Mahatma Gandhi were auctioned at 'Antiquoroum Auctioneer' in New York, over which Indian media and a lot of others created a lot of furore and confusion. As usual government of India tried its best to intervene to stop auction and get the items but, as usual it failed. And later Dr.Vijay Mallya -self proclaimed and widely accepted liquor baron- outbids others and finally will get possession of items. Soon - I guess.

The process went on smoothly and it's now that the real issues are slowly yet steadily evolving. For some strange reason young Indian folks haven't been able to associate themselves with these items instead "I would -any day- prefer a sexy Fast-Track shades over this piece of relic" said a Levi's underwear sporting young man. His identity can't be disclosed as Sri Rama Sene is after him. He seems to have sported Ray-Ban shades publicly.

"What do you do with a pair of specs which don't have evoke any oomph? Huh!!" questioned Durga Naresh. Wise people like Kuldip Nayar, Praveen Swami, Ram Guha and others found it difficult to answer this clever argument. "Ya cal m kool? huh! Those brass circular pieces don't sport no brand name" said party wear wearing, obviously cool young girl as she stepped out of a local discotheque.

"'Youth' youth Club" founder and member Medha Patkar did not respond in her famous -world famous in India- way by inflicting a hunger strike. Instead she renounced Bapu's memorabilia. "They are not ours" she said before leaving for Jantar Mantar -her permanent temporary address- obviously for a hunger striketo support Tata Nano project.

Chief Election Commissioner, N.Gopalaswami refused to react as it was against so-called "Moral Code of Conduct." However, in a off record conversation he revealed, he did not want Vijay Mallay to show Gandhi-items to election commissioner Navin Chawla. He's a congress man. Lalit Modi was furious and used many f-words in succession, but his fury was against politicians. -Sources